


Not All Things Lost

by queer_fully



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Bill is a werewolf too, Flashbacks, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Minor Violence, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Remus is a Werewolf, Trans Sirius Black, blood mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-13 19:37:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9139159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queer_fully/pseuds/queer_fully
Summary: With Sirius Black, also came conditions, facts about him that made him who he was and why people should be careful with him. Not because he was dangerous, but because he was a danger to himself. After an encounter with a werewolf and one Remus Lupin, things are flipped on its head, and Sirius learns he's not the only one that's a danger to themselves.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just putting this here to let you guys know, there will be mentions of blood, violence, mental illness and gender dysphoria in his fic. Enjoy!

There was something infuriating about Sirius Black; the way he moved, talked, and flirted with anything that breathed. His friends were the first to admit to this, but also the last, because they loved him. He was a little impossible at times, balancing on the brink of deep, dark madness and complete sanity to the point of narcissism, his ego beyond the normal man’s. He was dangerous. On a tightrope walk above deep plunges of death; a suicide mission, some would say.

 

Sirius knew these facts well about himself. But there was more, always more to him. Only his best friend James knew all; their friendship ran deep. He was the only person he’d ever come out to, the only one he trusted with his family’s history. He never let in anyone else, never trusted anyone deeper. They’d grown up together, from school kids that fought on the playground ‘til now: in college, renting a cheap flat together, broke to the point where all they had in their fridge was a bag of coffee beans and bread.

 

And that was what Sirius was looking at now, sitting in front of the open fridge, pondering what to make for dinner. He wouldn’t get his paycheck until Friday and James’ came in Saturday. It was Wednesday now, so he was stuck with bread and coffee. He didn’t want bread and coffee though, already having eaten two slices for lunch and being on his third cup of caffeine for the day, he wasn’t ready for a jittery late evening.

 

Sirius setted with not eating, but still wandered their tiny kitchen, mostly because he was bored out of his mind. With a huff, he sat on the counter, staring down the washing he should’ve done hours ago. James would probably rag on him for it until he did it, so with a groan and a ‘fuck it’ to the empty space around him, he decided to at least do that to at least keep his hands  busy. It wasn’t like he hated washing up, but it left him in a state of overthinking, too many thoughts rushing at him all at once.

 

He did them as quickly as humanly possible to avoid James’ whinging, but he still felt antsy afterwards. He needed air, his chest constricting with every breath.  _ What would your family think of you? Living in this tiny flat with your only friend, a disgrace to the family name. They disowned you for a reason, being so selfish.  _ James taught him to close his eyes and take deep breaths whenever he felt this way, which he did as best he could, but his lungs didn’t seem to fill completely with air. Anxiety rose up in him before his lungs could completely fill with air. He was about to wrestle off his binder, blame it on the constricting nature of it, only to be reminded that he took it off hours ago.

 

“Shit… Shit, I need air…” Sirius muttered to himself, pulling on his oversized jumper, essentials already in his pants pockets.

 

Writing a rushed note to James telling him he was going out, Sirius stuck it on the fridge before running out. He was shaking, his chest constricting even further with tears pricking in his eyes. As soon as he was out of the building, he turned down a nearby alleyway, almost instinctively. His legs carried him all the way to the end, over a fence and into a small meadow behind their building, the full moon illuminating the span of flowers and and tall grass, along with the tress of the forest that surrounded it.

 

This was where Sirius could really breathe. No matter what his concerns were, his anxieties and worries simply washed away in this place. He could clear his mind, sort through his thoughts. This place was magical in his eyes, the way the wildflowers swayed when he looked at them, like they were taking the tangles of thread in his mind, pulling them apart one by one.

 

The dark haired boy sat up against a tree, staring up at the darkened sky has he sighed. Sirius could breathe again, but he was still crying, cheeks wet from useless thoughts. He wiped at his face furiously with the sleeves of his hoodie, taking a few more deep breaths until the tears stopped, mumbling to himself about how pathetic he was.

 

Even when he was calm, that one thought still stayed, buzzing in his mind, underlying his thoughts. He really was a pathetic excuse of a man. A half man, if anything. Nothing about him was right or okay, but he just had to live with it. Sirius closed his eyes to take in another deep breath, trying to ease his mind until it simply hummed. Looking back over at the field, he could see the flowers move with the breeze. If only he could live here forever. The place was quiet, calm enough to lull Sirius to sleep, his head rolling back as his eyes slid shut.

 

**\---**

 

Sirius didn’t know how long he was out, but he jolted awake when he heard what sounded like a howl beside him. His heart beat impossibly fast, eyes darting around to scan the place in search of danger. He got up to leave, no longer feeling safe in what he considered his sanctuary. There was a rustling behind him and the boy froze, hoping to any god out there that whatever caused it was just a small nocturnal animal.

 

The growl that came soon after wiped away any hopes Sirius could’ve ever had in that moment. He whimpered, covering his mouth to avoid making anymore sound. He could chance it and run, but that also meant probably most likely being maimed to death by whatever was behind him. So he turned, slowly looking and peering into the bushes to see what lurked there. If he found eye contact with the beast, they probably wouldn’t pounce him. At least, that’s what James told him every time they went camping together. His steel grey eyes met bright glowing amber then, electricity jolting through his veins like a live wire.

 

The way the wolf looked at him made his heart jump up into his throat. Sirius couldn’t breathe again. This time, it wasn’t anxiety, but adrenaline. He swore the wolf was eyeing him until it emerged from the bushes. The sheer  _ size _ of it made Sirius gasp and fall back on his ass, but the wolf simply stalked past him and to the middle of the field. Maybe it was a  _ werewolf. _ It would explain the size, but then again Sirius hadn’t seen many in real life, despite his tattoos. Plus, werewolves didn’t even  _ exist, Sirius let’s be real here _ .

 

That’s when the (were)wolf tilted its head and howled to the moon, a mournful sound that sent chills through Sirius’ body, his heart thudding hard in his chest. He felt the sudden urge to rush to the creature and comfort it as best he could, but he kept his feet planted in place. Who knew what a wolf that size could do to him.

 

Sirius watched as the creature turned to him then, acknowledging his presence before turning and disappearing into the forest on the other side of the meadow. As soon as it was no longer visible past the first set of trees, Sirius sprinted all the way back to the fence. He practically vaulted it, only for his jeans to get caught. His reaction time wasn’t quick enough, his face hitting pavement as his favorite pair of jeans ripped down from his knee to the hem, probably with a nasty scar underneath.

 

He was pretty sure he was bleeding, in more places than one, but Sirius simply got up and brushed himself off; not without crying of course;  _ it bloody hurt _ , but he just wanted to get home because his face was throbbing and James would probably kill him for being out so late.

 

As soon as he was limping through the front door of their flat, James was on Sirius with a million and one questions when all the shorter boy wanted was to be vertical. He sighed and pushed past James to get to the bathroom so he could check on his face. His nose felt numb as heat bloomed from it.  _ Good job, Sir. You’ve really done yourself in now. _

 

“Well, what happened to your face, then? The least you could do for me is answer that. I would’ve been worried sick if it weren’t for the note.” James rambled on and Sirius could only roll his eyes.

 

“Thanks, mum. Honestly, my beauty was too much for the world, so it saw fit to meet with my face.” The dark haired boy muttered, examining his nose to check for any breaks.

 

James huffed, clearly annoyed with the way Sirius was prodding at his nose and wincing. “C’mere, I’m the med student here.” He ushered his friend to sit on toilet lid. After pushing his glasses further up his nose, he gathered the well stocked first aid kit, proceeding with cleaning all the blood off Sirius’s face.

 

“You wearing your binder?” James asked, his voice low, concerned.

 

“Mn, no.” Sirius responded, staying as still as possible so James could work.

 

“Good.” The brunet sighed, knowing how prone Sirius was to wearing that thing for way longer than what was considered safe.

 

They stayed silent like that, Sirius mulling over his thoughts and of what had happened earlier while James set his nose, bandaging it in place. The boy was about to consider his work done, only to look down and see his friend’s leg bleeding profusely, his pant leg ripped and soaked in red.

 

“Sirius…” James groaned, clearly tired from his late shift volunteering at St. Mungo’s Hospital as a student assistant.

 

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it myself. Nothing new to me.” Sirius tried to get James to leave so he could rest, but the spectacled boy was insistent, pushing on his shoulders to sit back down.

 

“I took an oath, Pads. Now quit being so bloody stubborn.” James stated firmly and Sirius knew to shut up then. Whenever James got like this, it was his way or fuck off.

 

He reluctantly slid his jeans off, hugging his torso and leaning forward to cover what he didn’t want seen. James didn’t look that direction though, knowing well that it made Sirius uncomfortable. He simply cleaned off the dried blood, poured hydrogen peroxide on the wound which made Sirius wince, and wrapped gauze around the wound. As soon as James turned around to clean up, Sirius pulled his jeans on as quickly as possible, thanking him before rushing to his room and slamming the door shut.

 

His stomach twisted in knots and even though it was just James, his best friend in the whole wide world, his mind still found ways to trigger his dysphoria. After a few choice swears and a kick to a pile of clothes on the floor, Sirius changed out of what he had on, being sure to face away from the floor length mirror. With his baggy T-shirt and flannel pants on, Sirius collapsed onto his bed, out like a light before he could even pull the covers over his shoulders.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning felt like pure shit, Sirius’s set alarm blaring, insistent on him waking up. The raven groaned at the sudden pull from his sleep, rolling over to reach for his phone. The more he reached though, the more he realized that his phone wasn't on his side table like usual. The alarm was still going off and Sirius grumbled about getting up, scouring his room until remembering he'd left his things in his pants’ pockets. As soon as he pulled the device out though, the alarm ended. Sirius rubbed at his face, unlocking his phone to end the alarm for good, so it wouldn't be going off every 5 minutes.

 

**_“Thursday, T day!”_ ** Read a small note in his calendar notifications and some weight that stuck around from last night lifted from Sirius’ chest. He locked his phone again and slid it into his pants’ pocket before walking out of his room. James was in the kitchen drinking coffee and Sirius nodded to him before making a beeline to the bathroom.

 

It was still only his third month of hormones, but Sirius was glad for it all the same; even if he did sound like a boy going through puberty half the time. He pulled a small fabric case from the medicine cabinet—a gift from James, and washed his hands before setting out what he needed. The process wasn't anything new by now, but Sirius still had to steel his nerves about using a needle. Sure, he could get tattoos done without so much as a flinch, but this was a different breed of pointy and sharp.

 

It was done in a split second though, and Sirius’ thigh throbbed as he properly disposed of the needle. His sharps bin was looking a bit intimidating at this point, so he shoved it under the sink cabinet before packing away the rest. The mirror was unavoidable though and Sirius scrutinized himself, checking his jawline for signs stubble. It sure itched, but nothing except annoying hormonal acne spotted his chin. It was a start though, and he was still happy to be getting somewhere.

 

Sirius seemed to strut out of the bathroom with a glimmer of pride and James noticed almost right away. He watched as his friend made coffee and hummed to himself in approval. It was T day, after all and there would've been something seriously wrong if Sirius wasn't happy on those days.

 

“Do well this time around, Pads?” James asked behind his coffee cup as Sirius sat down across from James with his own mug. He was well aware of his friends’ fear of needles, but he seemed less unnerved than usual.

 

“My hand didn't shake this time.” Sirius claimed proudly, as much as his voice cracked during the statement. James stifled a laugh, earning a glare and a smack on the arm  from the raven haired boy.

 

They were quiet for the rest of ‘breakfast’ until Sirius had to shower and get ready for work, happier than the previous day, but still unpleasantly hungry, even after a slice of buttered toast.  _ Shocking, really. _

 

After his binder was on, Sirius could look in the mirror and feel relatively human again. He threw on whatever was clean, which just happened to be a shirt James bought for him three years ago with “ladies?” printed on the front,  _ not his favorite pair of jeans _ , and his docs that had seen better days. With a quick brush through his hair and pulling it into a messy bun, Sirius threw his leather jacket on, looking in the mirror and deciding to snap a quick picture of how he looked before posting it to Facebook.

 

James teased him about it on his way out and Sirius flipped him off in passing. He stopped at the door though, to smile at his friend and blow him a kiss. “Have a lovely day, Prongs dear!” He teased, winking before he was out the door and on his way to work. 

 

The place Sirius worked wasn't far, just a short bus trip away. It was a small music shop he helped manage. The pay wasn't all that great, but he adored the place to death. The owner, Bill, was a great guy who used to be in a local band back in the 80s and would jam out with Sirius when things slowed down at the shop, which was often. He was opening up shop alone today though, the owner needing to attend to a “thing” and his coworker, Lilly, had morning classes.

 

Once Sirius was off the bus, he made his way to the shop, headphones in his ears. Mornings were slow, so he simply left the door unlocked, tossing his jacket in the back room—”The Lounge,” as Bill had dubbed it when he hired Sirius. The sound system was also in there, Sirius plugging in his phone to the aux cord before flipping on the stereo. Soon enough, Pink Floyd was playing through the store speakers.

 

Sirius was in his element working at this store, the only other place that wasn't the meadow or James that gave him peace. He'd been putting up displays, singing along to ‘Hey You’ and probably dancing way too dramatically. There was probably a reason why people hardly left him to his own to his own devices. But it was T day and he was feeling fairly good about himself. But the Forces of The World decided Sirius needed to  _ really stop that _ and someone behind him had cleared his throat.

 

The sudden presence made Sirius jump out of his skin and nearly shriek at the top of his lungs. Luckily he held it together, mostly, and set aside the mop he'd been using as a microphone. “Ah, sorry love. We're not open yet.” He pointed to the sign labeled ‘Closed!’ and smiled as charmingly as he possibly could after that totally embarrassing moment. How much did he see?

 

“Ah, sorry. I didn't see the sign. I'm here to see the manager, actually.” The young man replied, nervously scratching the back of his head. He must’ve seen a good amount of Sirius’s prancing to act like that.

 

Sirius took that moment to actually look at who came in, since he'd been avoiding eye contact, and- oh my  _ god, _ the man was bloody  _ gorgeous _ . Perfectly swept aside sandy locks of hair, lips that could probably smirk a man to hell and  _ stunning amber eyes. _ Sirius was brought back to last night in the meadow, but he quickly shook it off. He took note of the scar on the side of the boy’s face, faint but still there, framing his features well, but it still made Sirius wonder what had happened to the poor boy, especially since the scar disappeared down the collar of his shirt.

 

“Well, you're in luck, if I do say so myself.” Sirius grinned, grabbing his nametag from behind the till that read  _ “manager” _ with his name printed underneath, pinning it onto his shirt.

 

“Sirius Black?” The amber eyed boy read aloud, grimacing and Sirius was just about to return the favor, until: “That's a depressing name, isn't it?”

 

He couldn't help but snort at the deadpan response, covering his mouth before laughing. “Yes, very depressing. But it's my name and I like it.” Sirius responded, his voice cracking horribly at the end of his statement. His cheeks flushed and he tried to laugh it off, but the guy was really staring at him now.  _ Shit. _

 

“Is there another manager that works here?” The sandy blond finally asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence.

 

“Sorry mate, just me. Unless, you’re looking for the owner, Bill?” Sirius mused and the guy’s face seemed to light up at the mention of the name. Ah, so that was it.

 

Sirius pondered on what to tell this fairly attractive man, leaning up against the checkout counter as he hummed. “He won’t be in ‘til later, I’m afraid. You can wait here if you’d like. Thursdays are usually fairly slow, so I don’t mind.” He offered, punching in his employee code into the till to unlock it.

 

The sandy blond seemed a little nervous but he nodded, looking more and more out of place in the shop by the minute. He made no indication of moving from his spot in the middle of the floor, so Sirius went and grabbed his arm to pull him to sit on a stool behind the counter. “Don’t worry, as manager of this shop, I’ll let this slide.” He winked at the boy and Sirius could’ve sworn there was a touch of pink in his cheeks.

 

He excused himself then, continuing on with the displays. Sirius could feel eyes on the back of his neck, looking up when he was done with the final display. The guy was staring pretty intensely at him then, his amber eyes like fire on Sirius, the same electric feeling lighting up his nerves like last night. The raven shook it off though, smiling brightly at the boy.

 

“Don’t you wanna know my name?” He spoke up and Sirius blinked at him before mentally slapping himself for not asking for the guy’s name. Of course, he’d been distracted by the sheer beauty of the boy.

 

“Uh, right. What is it, then?” Sirius skipped over to the counter, leaning up against it as he waited for the answer.

 

“Remus Lupin.” The boy responded, eyeing Sirius with slight caution.

 

The name, as unusual as his own, seemed to resound with Sirius very nicely, something detangling within the threads of his mind. He propped his chin up on his hand as he watched Remus, suddenly realizing something about his name.

 

“Your name is Wolf Wolf.” The raven cracked a smile as Remus jolted in his seat, wide-eyed. 

 

“It’s… no it’s not…” He mumbled, scratching the back of his neck and Sirius’ heart seemed to sing. Remus was so adorably awkward, it hurt.

 

“Yes it is~!” Sirius sang, bouncing on the balls of his feet whilst still leaning on the counter. “Don’t’ you know the story of Remus and Romulus, wolf boy?” He teased, winking at the amber eyed boy.

 

Remus seemed to open his mouth in response right as the front door swung open and Bill stepped through, arriving much earlier than he’d told Sirius. He turned around to greet his boss, waving a hello, the ginger haired man nodding in response. Bill looked like he was about to say something to Sirius, but looked past him to see Remus sitting behind the till.

 

“Remus, you came early.” He smiled, going over and patting the boy on the back as Sirius watched the two. They looked sort of like brothers, but not really. Maybe close friends? It occurred to Sirius then that they both had the same scar. The positioning and everything was the same, almost eerie.

 

Sirius probably stood there like an idiot for a good few minutes until Bill snapped his fingers in his face, jolting him from his thoughts. He jumped, blinking before swatting his boss’s hand away. Bill gave him a look that said  _ get back to work  _ and Sirius huffed, going to the back for inventory check—not without a dramatic eye roll and a flick of some stray hair that'd fallen out of his messy bun.

 

He was just about to walk into the stockroom and shut himself out from the other two, when he heard one of the most uncomfortable statements in his life, one he'd heard many times, but each time still burned and stung just the same:

 

“She sure seems...interesting.”

 

She. S h e.  _ She _ .

 

Sirius slammed the heavy door shut as he leaned against it. He knew Bill would be quick to correct Remus, but it still made his stomach turn like nothing else ever did. Was his chest not flat enough? Was his voice still too high? Did he even pass to other people? He slid his eyes shut before squeezing them together, pushing back any emotions that would form into tears. After a swift kick to the metal shelving in front of him and a rattle of heavy boxes, Sirius went to work, checking inventory like he was supposed to.

 

Even when he was done, the statement still rolled around in Sirius’ mind. It's not like Remus knew what he was saying, what the underlying meaning was to him, but he couldn't get over it. It meant he wasn't passing well enough to the public eye. But if James ever found him layering an ACE bandage over his binder ever again, he'd be dead meat.

 

“I'm a boy, damn it.” Sirius muttered to himself before stretching and getting up out of the plastic folding chair he'd been hunched over in for the past hour. His back stung and he probably should've taken his binder off for the duration of it, but the damage was done. He emerged from the back and walked out to see Bill and Remus still heavily into their conversation. Sirius shoved the clipboard he'd been writing on into Bill's hands, making his way to the break room.

 

The conversation came to a pause as Bill looked over the sheets of Sirius’ scribbled writing. He scrutinized every detail and Sirius rolled his eyes before making himself some instant coffee, watching as the electric kettle boiled the water inside. Remus was staring at the back of his head again, but he elected to ignore it, letting his hair down to retie it with all the loose strands tucked back in place. Then Remus was beside him, asking if he could have some tea, the hairs on Sirius’ arm standing on end.

 

“Yeah, sure mate. Knock yourself out.” Sirius muttered, mixing creamer into his coffee.

 

Remus’ action seemed innocent enough, just him reaching around Sirius to grab a tea bag, but his arm brushed against his chest on the way back. I was nothing really, just an accidental touch, but reaction came before reason to Sirius and his hand was already recoiled. The slap was loud enough for Sirius’ ears to ring and Remus looked shocked to say the least, probably shaken up as a bright red welp formed on his cheek.

 

“Shit… Shit, I'm so sorry Remus.” Sirius rushed to set his mug down and grabbed a bag of ice from the freezer, wrapping it in a dishtowel before pressing it over the mark on Remus’s face. He gratefully took the bag from Sirius and averted his eyes. Great. Just great. Now he messed up big time, and in front of Bill too, who had been standing in the doorway, having witnessed the whole thing.

 

Sirius was sure he was about to die in that moment. Or get fired. Maybe both. But when Bill stepped forward to say something, Sirius flinched, almost sure he'd be hit before anxiety rose in his throat, strangling him. He couldn't think clearly, only his body telling him to get out of there, so he ran, out of the shop and into the damp, cold street.


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius didn’t slow his pace until his lungs burned and he couldn’t catch his breath. His binder constricted horribly around his torso and he slumped against the wall nearest him. The raven haired boy could only laugh bitterly to himself at what he’d just done. He’d even forgotten his jacket, cold seeping through his bones as he shivered hard. He could’ve apologized, could’ve explained the situation to Bill, how skewed his responses were to physical touch, as unintentional as it was.

 

It was too late now though, his legs having carried him through town and straight to St. Mungo’s General Hospital, where James was probably working right in that moment. Sirius mentally slapped himself. It was stupid of him to come here. What were the chances his friend was even on break? The place worked him to the bone, after all. Sirius was about to turn and leave, just as the aforementioned boy walked out the front doors for his lunch break.

 

He saw Sirius across the street right away, jogging over to him to see he was distressed and without a jacket. It worried James and he wondered if his friend had another anxiety attack. Without a second thought, the brunet shrugged off his jacket, throwing it around Sirius’s shoulders to subdue his intense shivering.

 

“Tell me what’s wrong, Pads.” He spoke calmly, switching into ‘mummy mode’ as his best friend called it.

 

A laugh bubbled up past Sirius’ lips as he stared up at James, pondering the ridiculousness of the situation and how often it fucking happened. It was routine to them, like brushing your teeth or going to work. Sirius needed to be at work right now. He grimaced at the thought. Bill would most likely have words with him when he went back.

 

James was really looking at Sirius with concern now and the shorter boy could only sigh, leaning his head on his friend’s shoulder. “I…” His voice quivered, not confident enough in his own voice to tell his friend what’d just unfolded moments ago. Luckily, James was patient with Sirius and he took a moment to screw his eyes shut in frustration and regret.

 

He let James lead him to the nearest bench, realizing that his left leg throbbed where he’d injured himself the previous night. It was easier to breathe when sitting though, the welcoming touch of James’s hand on his back. Sirius was silent for a moment longer, stretching the minute as much as he could, reciting what he was about to say in his mind.

 

“Don’t judge me, Prongs, but… I sort of bailed work after slapping a friend of Bill’s.” Sirius laughed again; telling what happened only solidified the dread in the pit of his stomach. Bill was definitely going to fire him, even if they were friends. He wasn’t competent enough to keep any job, so far.

 

James looked at Sirius with a level expression, one that could only read as  _ what the actual fuck, Pads? _ Sirius appreciated the sentiment and it grounded him just a bit. Their friendship was brilliant like that. In moments like this, when he panicked and felt weak to the world, James consoled him before gently pushing him back to reality.

 

“Could you explain to me what led up to that?” James asked finally, after careful consideration of his wording.

 

So Sirius sighed and rubbed his hands over his face as he retold James what had happened; how Remus was just getting something and he reacted horribly on instinct. His voice cracked more times than he could count, a swirl of emotions building up inside of him. James didn’t joke about it though, silent the entire time as he listened to what his friend had to say.

 

A moment of silence passed and Sirius focused on his breathing, still shivering from the cold while James came up with a solution. He got up then, pulling Sirius up with him, against the raven haired boy’s protests.

 

“Bloody- what the hell, Prongs?” Sirius demanded, but James only pulled more forcefully until he was being tugged along, back towards where he came.

 

“You have to explain the situation to Bill. He’ll understand, I promise.” James responded, letting go when Sirius had caught up and reluctantly walked by his side.

 

“And if he doesn’t?” Sirius stared at the pavement, making his fears known.

 

“Then I’ll make him rehire you.” His friend stated firmly. Knowing James, that wasn’t entirely impossible.

 

They were back at the shop in no time, with the speed James was walking at, but Sirius felt like turning the other way again and going back to St. Mungo’s. James kept a good grip on his arm though, as if he’d sensed Sirius was about to run again. Bill and Remus were inside, but silent, as if they were waiting for the so-called “manager” of the shop.

 

Sirius felt like his fingers were numb, losing circulation to the digits the closer he got to Bill. His heart was pounding loud enough to resound in his ears. He took in a deep breath, trying his best to calm his nerves, but then Bill was looking at him and his heart dropped down to his stomach, which was currently producing butterflies the size of Wales.

 

What shocked him the most though, was that Bill didn’t look mad, or even remotely pissed off. It was more like he was waiting for Sirius to return, his expression neutral. That’s what made Sirius laugh, tasting bile in the back of his tongue. Bill made eye contact then, and even  _ smiled _ . What kind of sick humor did this man have, trying to lead Sirius to believe that he’d be alright.

 

Bill stepped closer then and Sirius insinctively shrank into James’ shoulder. Flashbacks of his father raising a hand to him being pulled forward to the forefront of his mind,  _ his mother standing in the background and watching with a cold expression. The love was no longer there, her firstborn dead to her. His father beat him til he was black and blue, watched Sirius cry out for his dear mother’s help. But she wouldn’t come. Her dear daughter Stella was better off dead in her eyes. Orion could’ve killed him in that moment and she wouldn’t have even flinched. _

 

He was losing air.

 

Everything hurt, Sirius’ lungs burning as he sobbed. There was talking, but nothing was registering with him. He felt numb. Someone must’ve been saying his name, but Sirius felt like his brain was being drowned in water, nothing coming through to him, even his vision blurred. His head swam, but he heard his name again and Sirius decided to look up from the ground to who’d been so insistent on getting his attention.

 

Remus, his cheek still red from the ordeal earlier, let out a sigh of relief. “Can you hear me now?” He asked calmly, Sirius slowly nodding as he attempted to register what had happened. “Can I touch you?” Remus was still calm, Bill and James keeping their distance, not wanting to draw more attention to Sirius and overwhelm him again.

 

Sirius shook his head to the second question, his skin on fire was it was. Remus was understanding, keeping his hands in sight, being sure not to make any sudden movements. “Sirius, can you look at me please?” He asked and the raven haired boy followed the instruction. “Good, you’re doing good.” Remus praised Sirius, his vision clearing, blur still ebbing at the edges of his eyesight.

 

The interaction went on like that for a few moments, Remus calm, his voice even to help Sirius ground himself. He touched his thumb to each of his fingers as instructed, focusing on the pattern and breathing deeply. Everything felt much clearer now and he was sure this was the quickest he’d ever recovered from a panic attack before. Sure, James knew how to do it, but his method took a bit longer, even if they’d been best friends for as long as he could remember.

 

“Thank you… I’m sorry.” Sirius finally croaked out, guilt still washing over him now that he’d made a scene.

 

“No, it’s alright, really.” Remus waved off any of Sirius’ worries, helping him to his feet once the feeling returned to the lower half of his body.

 

“I meant about earlier, too.” The shorter boy mumbled, pointing to his cheek to indicate the mark on Remus’ cheek.

 

Remus smiled and shook his head. “That’s alright too. It was an accident, right?”

 

Sirius nodded and attempted a smile, although he was sure it looked more like a grimace at that point. Bill was on him then and Sirius flinched again and it seemed both James and Remus were ready to pull the older man away from him if it god bad again. Sirius remembered to breathe this time though. He knew that in reality, Bill wasn’t going to hurt or fire him, just his own first reactions were shite.

 

“Alright there, Black?” The man asked and he nodded.

 

“I shouldn't have ran though.” He murmured, looking down at himself, but BIll waved it off. It seemed James had already explained why Sirius bailed so easily, which he was eternally grateful for.

 

Bill told him he could go him early after all the stress he’d just put himself through and Sirius accepted, but not without working another hour in, to shake off the guilt he felt. He’d even exchanged numbers with Remus and with a quick Facebook request, the day didn’t feel so horrible and wasted anymore.

 

James had gone back to work at the hospital as soon as Sirius was himself again, more or less, so the raven haired boy took the bus home alone, still wary of the people around him. He kept it all under control though. He’d considered going back to his meadow behind his building, but after the ordeals he’d been through for the second day in a row, he just wanted to sleep it off.

 

As soon as he was through the threshold of the flat, Sirius’ stomach growled for food. But with the still persistent nausea in his stomach, he didn’t even want to look at the bread in the fridge. He’d regret it tomorrow, but all he wanted was to sleep everything off, so he crashed on the couch, still dressed, not even bothering to kick off his boots.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for enjoying the fic!! Since I'm primarily using my phone for writing/uploads, things are gonna be kinda slow, but I hope you like the chapter!

Sirius woke with a start when he heard someone at the door. It was dark and the raven haired boy was still blinking away the training tendrils of his dream. James walked through the door then and flicked on the lights, Sirius shielding his eyes from the sudden brightness. He groaned, the movement setting his back on fire. The couch definitely wasn't the most comfortable place to sleep and...  _ shit. _ He was about to rub at his chest at the pain there, only to realize he still had his binder on.

 

James watched as Sirius struggled with himself and he already knew what was going on without needing to ask. “Binder, off. Now.” He stated firmly, setting his bag down on the kitchen counter as Sirius reluctantly obeyed.

 

Discarding his jacket on the floor, Sirius wrestled with the other two layers, trying to pull both off together to avoid more work. His attempts were fruitless and James sighed at his friend, going over and standing Sirius up so he could help. He pulled from the back and the binder was finally off, although Sirius wasn't to happy with the pain in his torso or back.

 

Sirius held his shirt to his chest as he thanked James before rushing to his room, pulling on the baggy shirt he slept in. His boots and jeans were discarded soon after, kicked into a corner as he let his hair out of its very, very messy bun. It felt good to finally be free from all of his constraints and with a quick “Goodnight!” to James, Sirius curled up into bed, covers over his shoulders. Before sleeping through, he checked the notifications on his phone so he wasn't flooded with notifications.

 

He responded to texts and checked comments on his Facebook, one notification standing out to Sirius the most:

 

_ Remus Lupin has accepted your friend request! _

 

The boy smiled and it seemed like Remus was already active on his feed, liking his most recent posts. It was mostly mundane status updates or shared videos, but Sirius smiled anyway. He exited his feed after a couple minutes of browsing and was about to go straight back to sleep when a message came through, startling Sirius just a bit. He sighed, unlocking his phone again to see Remus’ profile picture hovering above his home screen with a little (1) to the side. Now he definitely needed to respond, tapping open the chat bubble.

 

[11:46pm]

_ Remus: How was the rest of your day? No more panic attacks, I hope? _

 

Sirius smiled at the message, deciding to respond and not leave Remus waiting.

 

_ Sirius: Conked out as soon as I got home, so relatively well. _

_ Bloody wide awake now though, thanks to you _

_ ;) _

 

_ Remus: You flatter me, Sirius Black _

_ I hope I didn't wake you though _

_ If you were asleep, that is _

 

_ Sirius: No, James got the pleasure of doing that first, love. No need to fret _ .

 

He was just flirting with Remus now, hoping his actions wouldn't go unnoticed. The boy was bloody fit and he'd be damned if he didn't at least try to advance a bit, in hopes that he wasn't hitting on a straight man.

 

[11:50pm]

_ Remus: Okay, good _

_ Er, I mean not good _

_ But  _

_ You know _

 

_ Sirius: You're such a charmer, Remus Lupin. _

_ So smooth with your words _

 

_ Remus: ;) _

_ I do try my best _

_ I am, however very exhausted myself _

_ As much as I enjoy the flirting, my bed beckons me to rest _

 

_ Sirius: How poetic. _

_ Goodnight, Wolf Wolf~ _

 

Sirius closed the chat bubble once Remus went offline and smiled to himself. So he recognized he was flirting with him and didn't totally reject it. Warmth bloomed in Sirius’ chest as he grinned, burying his face into his pillow. Maybe, just maybe, his luck was finally turning around. The happy thought drifted through his mind as he slowly fell back asleep, his dreams not leaving him feeling heavy in the morning once he woke.

 

**\---**

 

Nothing eventful happened the passing month, much to Sirius’ delight. He was doing okay for the most part, especially with him and Remus talking almost every day. They got on well and James teased Sirius for it, the way he jumped for his phone every time Messenger went off, and how he smiled if it was Remus.

 

He'd learned a few things along the way about the man as well. He was a student at the same school he and James both went to, majoring in graphic design, which meant he and Sirius shared the same building for classes throughout the day (Sirius himself majoring in fine arts). How Sirius never came across Remus on campus was a bit of a shock to him, but he was still happy to know they weren’t in such different worlds after all.

 

Aside from learning about Remus and his typical school/work routine, he’d started a new project. It was technically an assignment for his paints class, but he was always happy to start something new. James wasn’t too enthralled by the giant canvas in the living room and the space begin littered with oil paints, brushes and medium, but he stayed quiet about it, happy that the raven haired boy wasn’t holed up in his room so much.

 

Sirius was so consumed by his work however, that he’d ended up running late to one of his classes. He didn’t even have time to wash up or put things away, as soon as he realized the time, simply throwing off his apron and pulling on his jacket and backpack whilst kicking a random pair of shoes on. He knew he should've just left with James when he went to his own classes, but in all fairness, he didn't even know James was gone until he called for him.

 

He was running to the train station then, hoping it would be quicker than the bus. Sirius practically flew down the stairs, calling out for people to move out of the way. One guy near the base of the staircase however, didn't seem to hear him and Sirius was going too fast to stop before a head-on collision. They both toppled to the ground, Sirius rolling over about to apologize, only to see a very shell shocked Remus next to him on the concrete with his headphones still in.

 

Remus looked over at Sirius then, pulling his headphones out of his ears, looking like he was about to go off on him. He realized who it was who knocked him over though and simply hit Sirius’ arm without much force. The raven could only laugh before getting up and holding his hand out to help Remus up as well.

 

“What are the chances that I would run into you.” Sirius joked, nudging Remus lightly with his elbow.

 

“You're a bloody git. Could've gotten both of us seriously hurt.” Remus muttered, brushing his jeans off before tucking his headphones into a pocket.

 

Sirius couldn't help but grin at the fact that Remus was cursing at him though, the both of them making their way to the platform after scanning their passes through. He scratched at his now stubbly chin while the both of them waited for the train to arrive, Remus watching him closely. The amber eyed boy looked like he had something to say then, but the train was arriving and Sirius grabbed his friend's hand before rushing into the car, wanting to get a seat before it was filled with people.

 

They both managed to find a seat in the back, Sirius sitting by the window and trying to fix his binder as discreetly as possible. He'd had it on for hours now and his back was starting to ache. He did his usual stretch and cough routine when Remus started staring again, looking concerned for the raven haired boy.

 

“You alright there?” Remus asked quietly, out of earshot of the others surrounding them. Sirius nodded. He was sure he looked like a total mess after nonstop work.

 

Remus only sighed before nodding, suddenly reaching out to wipe something from Sirius’ face. He stilled, his face going warm as his friend tried to rub some oil paint from his cheek. Sirius could just barely bite back a laugh, watching as Remus became more and more frustrated trying to remove the smudge.

 

“It's oil paint, it won't come off without soap.” Sirius giggled, brushing Remus’ hand away from his face and trying to hide the fact that he was blushing from the close proximity.

 

Luckily, Remus didn't notice Sirius’ red cheeks, which gave the boy a chance to cool down. He sighed, leaning his head against the window, rubbing at his eyes. He'd been working since early that morning, having woken up due to a million messages from his younger brother Regulus. Their father had been ranting again about Sirius and he apparently needed to vent before he did something he'd regret. He hated that he had to leave his little brother behind, but his parents didn't give him a choice.

 

**\--**

 

_ “How could you do this to yourself? To us? Stella, answer me.” _

 

_ Sirius flinched—at the name, his mother's tone, the way her tone cooled the angrier she got. It was an impulse decision to cut off all of his waist length hair, to see if it suited him any better. It was a rush to see all those black locks fall to the bathroom floor as he chopped it off. He'd never been more proud of himself, nearly brought to tears in his act of bravery. His mother however, saw it as an act of betrayal; how could her precious daughter do something so self destructive? _

 

_ It was the first time Sirius ever disobeyed his parents so harshly, but definitely not the last. His mother lunged at him, prying the scissors from his hands. The last thing he remembered was the sheer rage in his mother's eyes before his skull thumped violently against the bathroom tiles. _

 

**\--**

 

“Sirius? Hey Sirius, our stop is almost up.” Remus tried nudging the raven haired boy to wake up, about to give up when he suddenly jolted awake, nearly giving the both of them heart attack.

 

“Shit… Sorry mate.” Sirius yawned deeply as he ran his hands over his face, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Not much sleep last night, guess I fell asleep.”

 

He was still half asleep, nearly drifting off again until Remus suddenly pulled him from his seat as they approached their stop. Sirius grabbed his bag before he got pulled away too far from where they'd been sitting, swearing as people crowded around them. He was about to ask Remus to slow down once they were on the platform, but the sandy blond was already tugging him up the stairs to street level.

 

“Re-... Remus! Let go already!” The raven haired boy protested, his binded chest not happy with the situation as his lungs begged him to take in more air.

 

Then Remus stopped suddenly, Sirius slamming into his friend's back, his lungs protesting again from the impact. He let out a pathetic wheeze before backing away, finally letting hands go with Remus. Sirius desperately needed oxygen, clawing at his binder as discretely as possible in attempts to loosen the fit. Remus watched on with concern, but Sirius tried to wave him off, not wanting to worry his friend and hoping to find somewhere to adjust everything.

 

“You're going to be late for your class, go.” He focused this breathing, leaning back against the wall of the library, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up with the way Remus was looking at him with his burning amber eyes.

 

“I don't care about that right now... Should I call an ambulance to take you to A&E?” Remus asked quietly, but Sirius shook his head. He wasn't about to waste hours in a place that could do nothing for him except tell him to wear his binder less.

 

Remus watched him a while longer like Sirius was about to shatter in front of him and he couldn't take that pitying gaze any longer. He shoved the sandy blond away from him. “Just go to class, I'll be fine. It's nothing new to me so just go before I make you.” He stated firmly and Remus looked on for a moment longer before sighing and leaving to his class.

 

As soon as he was out of sight, Sirius ran into the library bathroom and fixed what he could. A quick time check told him he'd already missed his class and his heart sank. He was hoping to at least slip in at the second half of the lecture, but time just wasn't on his side that day.

 

Sirius still needed to kill some time before his next class though, so he opted to stay in the library. He unceremoniously dropped his bag in a corner of the art section and sat down with a Frida Kahlo book, leaning back and flipping through the pages. Her work was always a big influence on him and it reflected in his own paintings, many touching on dark and uncomfortable themes people didn't like to discuss.

 

“Morbid much?”

 

Sirius’ head shot up, only to see Remus standing over him. The raven smiled, patting the spot next to him as he set the book to the side. “Class over already?” He asked, watching as the sandy blond sat down on the spot.

 

Remus shrugged, leaning his head back against a shelf. “Decided not to go, was worried about you.”

 

The fact that someone other than James or Bill worried about him made Sirius beam, just barely biting back a smile. He leaned his head on Remus’ shoulder, deciding not to let it affect him too much just yet. Sure he flirted with Remus, but he did that with everyone.

 

“How sweet! Our very own Stoic Remus Lupin cares!” Sirius teased, his hands clasped over his chest like he was being wooed, batting his eyes up at the taller male.

 

Remus shoved him away then, the both of them bursting into silent laughter, careful not to disturb those who were actually there to study—or sleep. Sirius sighed, glancing over at one student passed out on their laptop mid essay and silently wishing he could sleep. One glance at the time on his phone though, told Sirius he should start heading to class.

 

He stood, holding his hand out to Remus. “Care to walk me to my next class, wolf boy?” Sirius winked and he was absolutely sure he made him really blush this time.

 

“What do I get in return if I do?” Remus teased, his eyes glinting, making Sirius huff and roll his eyes as he pulled his bag over his shoulder.

 

“Well, you've already been blessed by my presence…” Sirius teased before really thinking for a moment, chewing on his lip. “A kiss maybe…?” He pondered quietly and Remus’ head shot up like he-

 

_ Oh. _

 

Sirius realized then that their casual flirting wasn't so casual for Remus. He was fit and all to Sirius, but never would he have thought someone that good looking would like him back. The raven haired boy cracked a smile then, a part of him wanting to really see if it was true, if Remus would chase or get sick and tired of him and leave after realizing liking Sirius meant work. The latter made his stomach turn, so he shoved it to the back of his mind, grabbing the book he'd been reading to return it to the shelf he'd found it on.

 

His mood turned sour, leaving without letting Remus respond. Once the book was back in its rightful place, Sirius sped out of the library, his face hot and heart pounding in his ears. He could hear his name being called, but he simply ducked his head on the way to the arts building. Once he was in class, Sirius took his spot in the back of the auditorium and ran his hands over his face. He shouldn't have ran off so easily, Remus probably saw it as some sort of rejection.

  
Sirius laughed into the palms of his hands. He wasn't the one being rejected; he could've even kissed Remus if part of him didn't snap and insist on sabotage. This was why he couldn't ever have nice things. Sirius was broken and messed up and nobody wanted that. He was just more trouble than it was worth.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Remus' point of view, just to change things up a bit and further the storyline a bit better than I could with Sirius right now. Hope you guys enjoy and expect another Remus POV for chapter 6 as well~

**-Remus POV-**

 

“A kiss maybe…?”

 

The words made Remus’ head shook up to look at Sirius. Was he really considering kissing  _ him _ of all people? It's not that he would say no to kissing someone who openly flirted with him, but why would someone so painstakingly attractive want anything to do with him? Maybe he was just teasing him like he always did.

 

He was pulled from his thoughts when Sirius suddenly walked away from him. From what he could tell, Sirius looked upset, like he was ready to cry. Was it something he did- er, didn't do? He couldn't just let him go like that without a word said, so he stumbled to his feet, grabbing his things and rushing out of the library after the raven haired boy. As much as he called out for him though, Sirius didn't seem to be listening to him. Was he really that pissed at him for not responding?

 

God, he was worse than most girls he'd tried to date in the past.

 

He'd followed Sirius all the way to where his lecture was, hesitating before stepping through the door. After a quick scan of the auditorium though, he couldn't seem to spot the boy. There was no way he could've left, so he looked again, finding him seated in a corner, hunched over with his head in his hands. It reminded him of the boy he saw a month ago in the forest.

 

Then it hit Remus. The boy he saw had to be Sirius: same long dark hair, same angled jaw line and small stature. It wasn't like Sirius had to know all of that, but something clicked with Remus. He didn't know what it was exactly, but the realization settled quite nicely with him.

 

That wasn't the time for mulling over his werewolf-isms though, the sandy blond clenching his fists for a moment before running up the steps to where Sirius sat. Remus didn't hesitate to grab him, pulling him to his feet. He didn't give the raven time to question him though, grabbing Sirius’ bag before dragging him out of the auditorium.

 

Sirius just barely followed him, but Remus was strong, so if he had to drag him, he would. Once they reached somewhere more secluded, Remus let go, turning to face Sirius. The shorter male shrank under his gaze though, backing himself up against the wall of the corridor they were in, like he was shielding himself from what was to come.

 

Remus had to remind himself not to let instincts take over, unclenching his fists and taking a deep breath before even thinking about speaking. Sirius watched him, silent and nervous and Remus could see his eyes darting around for an emergency escape route.

 

“Listen, Sirius,” he started, “I'm not mad at you, if that's what you think is going on. I just… I want to know why you ran.”

 

Remus hoped to get an answer, but all Sirius did was drop his gaze to the floor between them. It seemed like he was trying to pick out an answer and Remus swore he could just hear the gears whirring in his mind.The scent Sirius gave off spelled guilt and fear. Of what, he had yet to find out.

 

“I…” Sirius trembled and closed his eyes. A beat of silence passed and Remus could see he'd been crying. “I didn't want you to reject me, so I ran. The idea was stupid anyway, but I still ran.” His eyes were still closed, but Remus could still see the pain and the fear.

 

Then Sirius was crying, tears spilling down his cheeks. Remus’ breath caught in his throat and he was instantly wiping Sirius’ cheeks and pulling the boy into a hug, letting him cry into his shoulder. Usually when it came to crying, Remus was the one with his face buried in Bill’s shoulder, from the pain of how the moon affected him, but Sirius needed his strength now, gripping his jacket hard as he sobbed.

 

By the end, there was a wet spot on Remus’ shirt, but he wouldn't have it any other way. Sirius was calm now; maybe still a bit flighty, but calm and staying with him. They were silent and Remus wasn’t going to force Sirius to talk in that moment, so he led him out of the corridor and back towards the auditorium. He felt a tug on his sleeve though and stopped, looking over to see the boy had stopped.

 

“Not feeling up to it?” Remus asked quietly and Sirius shook his head.

 

“Should I take you home?” He asked again and Sirius sighed, hesitating before nodding.

 

**\--**

 

The train ride back home was quiet, Sirius leaned against Remus, Remus with his arm around Sirius. It was comfortable, both exhausted from the earlier drama. Sirius had dozed off as soon as his head hit his shoulder, so Remus was stuck watching as he slept. He looked much calmer than usual, not overthinking things or keeping a front. Remus watched him like this earlier on the ride to campus, but Sirius didn’t look as calm, like he wasn’t so much dreaming as experiencing a nightmare. It worried the sandy blond, to say the least, about what Sirius must’ve been put through to be like this.

 

Remus’ thoughts were interrupted with the automated voice announcing the arrival of their stop. He nudged Sirius awake, watching as the raven haired boy yawned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. It took him a moment, but quickly realized why Remus woke him, standing and trudging over to the doors. Remus followed, watching as Sirius tugged at something uncomfortably under his shirt, looking like he was pained.

 

“Alright there?” He asked, about to put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder but deciding against it, especially when Sirius started to rub at the pain there.

 

“Yeah, ‘m fine.” Sirius responded quickly, but averted his gaze when Remus tried to look him in the eye.

 

He’d get Sirius to talk eventually, but dropped the subject for now. They reached their stop then and Remus offered to walk Sirius the whole way home, ‘with or without the promise of a kiss’. Sirius smiled at the joke and nudged Remus, only to wince and bring a hand up to his shoulder. He offered to help, but the boy waved him off before rushing up the stairs to street level. Remus followed, silently concerned for his friend, but if Sirius didn’t want help, he wouldn’t force it on him.

 

The walk to Sirius’ flat was quiet as well, mostly because Remus was stuck in his own thoughts. How did Sirius hurt himself? And why was he so hesitant on receiving any help? He must’ve looked worried because Sirius stopped before stepping in front of him, reaching up to cup his face. Sirius was definitely in pain, trembling even, but he didn’t stop rubbing away the creases in Remus’ face with the pads of his thumbs. The sandy blond’s eyes fluttered shut when Sirius ran his thumbs over his brows, pushing away any worry lines his expression could’ve made.

 

“You’re overthinking.” Sirius spoke quietly and Remus nodded. How could he be read that easily by someone he’d barely known for a month?

 

Sirius seemed to leave him with more questions than answers and it frustrated him to no end, especially when he denied needing any help. Remus sighed, hesitating before stepping away, just so Sirius didn’t have his arms up so uncomfortably for much longer.

 

“We should get going.” He mumbled, looking away to try and hide the fact that he was blushing. Sirius eyed him and nodded, taking his hand and dragging him off to where, assumably, his flat was.

 

A few more minutes of walking and they were there, at a run-down building five blocks away from the train station. Remus surveyed the place, noticing most of the area looked just about the same state of old and run-down. Of course, the only reason he was able to live anywhere nicer was because Bill took him in after his father’s death and a few other incidents, including being bitten by a rogue werewolf in the woods near his old house.

 

Remus absentmindedly rubbed at the bite mark on his shoulder as they walked up the stairs of which Sirius seemed to have more and more trouble getting up. By the time they reached his flat, Remus was holding Sirius up and Sirius was swearing every other step, gripping his arm to keep his shoulder from moving so much. It pained Remus to see someone so in pain with nothing he could do about it. As soon as they were inside, Remus was about to lay Sirius on the couch but he stopped him, frantic about the situation.

 

“Just… Just take me to my room.” Sirius mumbled and Remus nodded, helping the boy to where he directed him, sitting him onto his bed and taking the chance to glance around his room.

 

It definitely looked like a hurricane ran through it, but Remus withheld any sort of comments on it. Sirius sighed next to him and Remus was instantly on him, asking if he needed anything else or any help while he was there, but he simply shook his head. He was about to pry some more, unable to just leave someone in such a state alone.

 

“Please, Remus, just do me a favor and leave the room, yeah? Just walk out and close the door behind you. You can stay, but please don’t walk in here until I say so.” He looked up at Remus with pleading eyes, steely grey finally breaking his resolve.

 

Remus still hesitated, but he nodded and walked out, doing as Sirius asked. He stood by the door though, just in case he was needed. There was shuffling behind the door as soon as he left, along with quite some swearing. He was tempted to just run in and help, but he kept his promise.

 

He stepped from the door then, deciding he needed to freshen up. It wasn’t hard finding the bathroom, the other two doors being a hall closet and what he assumed was James’ room. Sirius told him in one of their many conversations that they lived together to save money.

 

Once he was in the bathroom though, Remus’ eyes landed on a bin of needles sitting precariously on the sink. His stomach turned and heart jumped at the thought of Sirius ever needing to use needles for anything. He closed his eyes, swallowing heavily before pushing down those thoughts. It wasn’t his job to worry about Sirius, they were just friends and as much as Remus cared about him, it also wasn’t his place to pry about why he needed a sharps bin.

 

Remus washed his face to cool down and sort his thoughts, looking up after wiping it dry. He couldn’t help but stare at himself; he always did when he was alone. His eyes weren’t always this amber shade and the scar on the side of his face had only recently healed over. Bill told him not to fret over it, but he still thought it made him look distorted, uglier than usual.

 

His eyes drifted to the needles again and he sighed, picking it up, only to hear Sirius knocking on the door, asking if Remus was in there. He jumped from the sudden noise, nearly dropping the bin before setting it back down where he found it. The blond swore before turning to answer the door.

 

“Sorry, had to freshen up. You don’t mind, do you?” Remus asked, just to make sure, but Sirius waved it off before his hand flew to keep his shoulder still.

 

Remus frowned as he watched Sirius struggle, reaching out to put his hand over the boy’s. He was about to ask if he really didn’t need any help, but Sirius was suddenly walking past him, grabbing the sharps bin but struggling to actually struggling to hide it, unable to bend over. So Remus took it from him and shoved it under the sink like Sirius was trying to do. The raven haired boy looked away and Remus struggled to find the right way of asking him what was going on with him.

 

Before he even got the chance to open his mouth though, James was through the door, announcing his arrival. Sirius walked past Remus again to greet James, but the messy haired boy saw right through his facade, about to make a fuss over him, only to see Remus standing awkwardly outside the bathroom. He greeted him before pulling Sirius to the side to question him. It was meant to be a private conversation, but Remus heard it all anyway, thanks to his incredible canine-like hearing.

 

“Pads, please tell me you took a break today.”

 

“...”

 

“ _ Sirius! _ What have I told you about not taking your binder off?” James scolded Sirius, who sighed in response.

 

“I’m sorry Prongs…”

 

“No apologies. Please, at least tell me it’s off now.”

 

Silence.

 

“Bloody hell, Sirius. You’ll won’t be able to wear it any longer if you keep this up.”

 

Sirius was being dragged back to his room then by an incredibly worried James and Remus couldn’t help but wonder what a binder was in context to the conversation. He could only wait to ask though, wandering into the living room to sit while James probably treated Sirius’ shoulder.

 

James was the first to emerge from Sirius’ room, with the shorter boy following and looking like he just got chewed out even more in his room by his friend. Sirius sat next to Remus then as James brought out a First Aid kit, beginning to treat what was apparently a strained muscle in Sirius’ shoulder. Remus watched for a moment, chewing on his lip before deciding to speak up.

 

“So, what’s a binder?”

 

Both Sirius and James stared at him then and Remus suddenly felt the need to move away from the two as quickly as possible before he was possibly murdered, or even sworn into secrecy. Then, James relaxed and looked over at Sirius, who was still very much staring at Remus, but more like he was debating on what to tell him. James lightly nudged him then, before backing up what he’d taken from the kit.

 

“You can tell him, Pads.” James mused before standing and looking back on Remus. “Keep an open mind, yeah?”

 

Then he left to his room and Remus and Sirius were alone again. Sirius took in a deep breath, staring down at his lap and somehow, that made Remus incredibly nervous. It seemed like a simple enough question, but there seemed to be a battle going on in the raven’s head. Remus was patient though, ready for any answer he’d be given. James said to keep an open mind, after all. The silence seemed to go on for eternity until Sirius finally decided to speak up, his hands trembling.

 

“Listen, Remus. Whatever I say now doesn’t leave this room, is only between me, you, and James.” He sighed, looking towards Remus, who nodded to say he was agreeing to the terms. Even if it was something trivial, he’d keep it to himself.

 

“You have my trust, Sirius.” He stated reassuringly and Sirius nodded.

 

“It… It’s a lot for me to tell you this. Not just the binder thing, there’s more to it than that.” The raven haired boy sighed, staring at his hands, Remus waiting patiently for him to continue. “My birth name isn’t Sirius Black, it’s Stella Melania Black. I was born a beautiful baby girl, but that was never who I truly was.”

 

His voice wavered and Remus understood then, reaching over to rub Sirius’ back where he wasn’t injured. It made sense, even, how he first thought Sirius was a girl, how he closed himself off and denied help from Remus. Sirius leaned into his touch, tears streaming down his face.

 

“Thank you for telling me.” Remus finally responded, reaching over to wipe Sirius’ cheeks. “So, I’m assuming the binder is for binding your chest…?” He made an educated guess and Sirius nodded before smiling.

 

“And the needles are for hormones.” Sirius spoke up, answering the question Remus never got to even ask.

 

“I’m just glad you’re not sick.” Remus sighed, taking his chances just for a moment as he kissed Sirius’ forehead.

 

He could see Sirius smile before he leaned into Remus as best he could. They stayed like that for a while until Remus checked the time, realizing he didn’t have long until sundown. It was the beginning of the cycle for him, which meant he’d start feeling ill and pained soon, which was the last thing he wanted to worry Sirius with.

 

“I should really get going.” He finally spoke up, letting SIrius sit up before he stood, stretching. “Sorry, just have to get to work.”

 

It was a dumb excuse, but Sirius nodded, standing up as well to hug Remus as well as he could with one arm. He smiled, wrapping both his arms around the smaller boy. They stood like that for a moment and Remus couldn’t help but breathe in the scent of Sirius’ hair. He had to pull away though, every cell in his body protesting the moment.

 

“Have fun at work, yeah?” Sirius smiled up at Remus and he nodded, waving before leaving the flat and heading home, careful to be quick before the sun set.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I know I should be writing the MM fic I have going, but I couldn't help myself to my favorite ship. And before anyone asks, I'm a trans boy writing from personal experiences, so I only ask that you respect that.


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